44 lessons from age 44

Hard-earned head and heart wisdom

Today’s my birthday! I’m 44. Here’s some things I’ve learned, in no particular order…

1. You have to let yourself change and evolve. You have to. Look, if my 34 year old self, who had just bought a condo in DC, was climbing the corporate ranks, and focused mostly on promotions, dating and getting married, knew that at 44 I would be partnered but unmarried, no kids, and literally fucking teaching magic, Tarot and energy work in a 300 year old cabin in the woods, she would have plotzed, and not in a good way. Like, WHAT? No single person who knew me would have gamed it out this way. And yet here I am, and it’s awesome. Yes, people will judge you or fall away, you’ll feel scared about these changes and evolutions, you’ll encounter a thousand ego deaths, but please, let yourself shift. Being static and unchanging is its own kind of death. Nothing in nature doesn’t evolve. Let yourself change as your soul desires.

2. In that same vein, I’ve stopped trying to set goals and predict and create 5 or 10-year-plans. If so much change happened for me in the past 10 years, who the hell knows where I’ll be at 54? I could be a Cutco sales rep. I could be teaching kindergarten. I could be living abroad. Follow the river of life and its callings, and let the magic unfold.

3. If you can change your mindset about getting older as to it being a gift, instead of something to dread or fear, that will change so much of your experience. The oak tree yearns to grow from the tiny, smooth acorn into the powerful, gnarled tree. Why not us?

4. Aim to get weirder and more eccentric, not more successful, as you age, and you’ll have a great time. Take it from one who knows.

5. Many health conditions are caused by repressed emotions that are living in a highly dysregulated nervous system, which causes the brain to send pain signals or distress or symptoms in order to help you ignore the pain of feeling the emotions, which it’s decided is scarier/would be worse to feel than the physical pain symptoms. Nicole Sachs and John Sarno’s work are a great place to start around this.

6. Speaking of the nervous system, if you just did some basically self-education about the states of the nervous system, identified which you get stuck in most frequently, then committed to 5 minutes of nervous system regulation a day (whatever that was - breathing, EFT tapping, stretching, being in nature) — I’m convinced it would improve everybody’s lives dramatically. 

7. Energy work, while ancient and in every culture, is also the future. It’s going to be as important to us as general mindfulness/meditation/yoga has become in the last few decades.

8. Acceptance of what is is a powerful skill to learn and melt into, and if you can’t first accept and soften into what is, it’s probably blocking the very growth you desire. If you find yourself thinking often, “This SHOULDN’T be like this,” or “This SHOULD be different,” try this on for size: “This is like this” and “This is what’s happening.” And feeling the softening of acceptance that recognition allows.

9. Learn to ask out loud for help. Some call this prayer, but you don’t have to if that makes you feel weird. But try it out. Every morning I say out loud what I might need help with that day, and how I hope my day will go, and then also add on that I’m open to this or something even better, for the highest good of all involved. And the most magical things unfold.

10. People overthink intuition and being intuitive. Intuition to me is simply allowing yourself to follow your curiosity, or that feeling-spark of “Ooh, that thing looks cool!” Or “Oh, I want to learn more about that.” Just notice where curiosity, delight and a natural pull take you. That’s intuition.

11. They should teach us all Emotional Freedom Technique Tapping when we’re 5. It’s the most effective and rapid emotional regulation tool I’ve ever used.

12. I’m convinced a real life lesson lies in this reality: who's to say a trip to a mountain top in a foreign country is any more special than an afternoon in my backyard? I'm learning to try to treat the afternoon spent in the backyard as equally special and unique. AKA, presence and gratitude for exactly where I am right now, not future tripping to a supposedly “better” place.

13. I care so little about how I look these days, so little about how the male gaze perceives me, so little about if I look “pretty”, and what a blessing to finally be over that. 

14. I really believe now that only two things block us: that we listen too much to shame's voice; and that we lack tools and ability to process grief. If you can learn to unshame yourself, and give yourself permission to cry, to rage, to shed tears and years and lifetimes of unprocessed grief, to do this for your ancestors who suppressed hundreds of years of tears into their bodies and therefore yours, you'll become largely unstoppable.

15. But while these are two of the main things that block us, they are also two of the most difficult things to learn and also societally-disapproved to step into learning about. Do it anyways, even if it takes your whole life. 

16. Meditation really does make a difference. Dammit. Trust me, me and my ADHD brain hate this.

17. Allowing yourself and your state of emotions to be dictated and controlled by the events of the world serves nobody — not you, and not the people who need you. The other day I came across these words from Thich Nhat Hanh: “Someone asked me, “Aren’t you worried about the state of the world?” I allowed myself to breathe and then I said, “ What is most important is not to allow your anxiety about what happens in the world to fill your heart. If your heart is filled with anxiety, you will get sick, and you will not be able to help.”

18. We don’t have a body — we are a body. When was the last time you nourished your body, paid it loving attention, dropped into it, noticed what feelings were arising from different parts of your body?

19. You are not a passive participant in your own life. This is scary because it forces us to look at the ways we have actually been active participants in our own current situations, even the ones that cause us harm, pain and sadness. When you think you end up in the same patterns and situations over and over again by chance, consider this: you’re more powerful than you might give yourself credit for and you might have a part to play in these repeating patterns. So how can you do things differently now? How can you be an active participant in your own life?

20. Jealousy and envy are fabulous guides. Pay attention to them. Also pay attention to the women you judge or mock. All these are great tools for understanding something you want for yourself. We often don’t know what we DO want, and that’s okay — you can start with what you DON’T want, and also what you’re jealous of or judgmental towards, and those are great guides to figuring out your true wants. Let envy guide you and inspire you, not turn you resentful.

21. Speaking of being feelings towards others, one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was that when I was feeling resentful, I had been trying to control a situation or not speaking up for my needs, and the resentment was merely a sign of me either not articulating wants, having silent expectations not met, or disappointment that my ways of trying to control the situation and outcome didn’t pan out. Resentment is a POWERFUL clue that you are giving away your power, going into victim mode, and not stating your needs clearly. Listen to your resentment. Respect it. It has something to tell you.

22. Daily walks, even if they’re just for 10 minutes, are a total-game changer.

23. You can’t expect somebody else to live a lesson unless you’ve learned it or done it yourself first. You can only control your own behavior and circumstances. If you wish your partner worked out more or ate more healthily, you can only do those things for yourself. If you want your child to understand how to be more calm, consider if you practice that yourself — do you make space to meditate, reflect, journal? If you want your kid to use screens less, what is your screen time usage? If you think your spouse should go to therapy, you go to therapy. And so on, and so forth. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn, personally. I thought if only this or that person in my life did things differently, then MY life would be different. But I had to step up and take ownership of my own actions.

24. Inner child work will change your life. My favorite self-guided resource for this is the book Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman.

25. Sometimes the poison is the remedy. I heard a great podcast with French photographer and illustrator Garance Dore a while back in which she said that her mother “gave her the poison but also the remedy.” That is, her mother caused the wound — but it was through Garance’s necessary work healing that wound that she was able to become herself fully in the world. What are you looking at as poison and how can it become your remedy and possibly also your gift to the world?

26. The things you think are stupid, pointless or useless may be the things at some level you most want to do you, only you have taught yourself to think they’re pointless as protection from your deepest desires. Chew on that!

27. Journaling is the best free tool available to help you with your healing and self-knowledge. I’m a writer, and I resisted journaling for years. I figured: I already know the stuff that’s swirling around in my head; what’s the point of putting it down on paper, by hand, no less? It wasn’t until my experiences with Morning Pages that I realized how transformative getting my thoughts down in front of me was. It allows you to see patterns, excavate feelings, realize things you knew at some level, but didn’t really know-know — you know? Don’t know where to start? Morning Pages is easy as all get out (and here’s a video I made on it a while back).

28. If you’re in your mid-to late 30s, google your north node astrology; it will be an amazing guide to help you get on the path you’re meant to step into in your second half of life. (Any other Virgo north nodes out there?)

29. Also it blows my mind that people don’t consider astrology real. We literally would DIE if the sun went away; the moon FLIPPING CONTROLS WATER; the earth gives us all our nourishment and gravity… you don’t think other planets are maybe doing some stuff, too? 

30. Speaking of which, incuriosity about the miracle of the world around us is its own kind of death sentence. 

31. If you’ve been thinking about quitting alcohol: do it. I’m five months in without a drink, after YEARS of stressing about my relationship with alcohol and how it was affecting me negatively, and it’s a game-changer.

32. Decluttering works wonders on your emotional and life challenges. I never really had a problem with serious clutter, so I never thought much about what I did own, but as I studied and got certified in Feng Shui (which, btw, is really about a lot more than decluttering, but it’s a lot of people’s entry point into it) I realized so much that the things you own are a direct correlation of your life experience. Decluttering will help you so much, if you are feeling stuck in life. 

33. In the Feng Shui vein, this is truth: Your home (whether it’s a mansion or a bedroom you’re renting) is an energetic extension of your subconscious. Your living space is your subconscious made material and 3D. So when you re-arrange your home, with intention, you are literally re-arranging your subconscious to have the beliefs and intentions you consciously desire. Really worth clicking into. You’ll want to sign up for my upcoming course, The Intentional Home. https://catherinedandrews.ac-page.com/the-intentional-home

34. Try out a “what’s working/what’s going right?” journaling practice. I struggle with gratitude lists, they often still feel cheesy to me, but I can get my brain behind finding out and focusing on all the things that ARE going right in my life. I have a brain that’s like a car with a steering wheel that kind of pulls to the left; without regular re-adjusting it would drive me right off the road. Journaling to put my attention on where things are actually going well as been a game-changer for me.

35. And that’s because what they say is true: energy flows where attention goes. Consciously choose to focus your attention every day on proof of things you desire, and things will begin to shift.

36. Your words are wands. The literal words you say, the way you speak about things, absolutely matters. Choose carefully, choose with intention, and pay attention to how you speak. If it’s not serving you, change it.

37. Mushrooms. Whether you do them microdosing, a macro journey, or just start taking functional mushrooms in your regular diet, they are a true gift and it’s worth exploring a relationship with them.

38. Managing your blood sugar and your hormones through diet, especially as you age and become peri or menopausal, is a GAME CHANGER. My resources have been The Bean Protocol diet and the Glucose Goddess tenets. I think it’s actually great for anybody of any age. Like — sugar makes me irritable and ANGRY when I eat too much of it. Isn’t that kind of crazy to realize so late in life? That so many of my emotional struggles were tied to what I was eating? And if I ate in a more supportive way… I would feel better? WTF. Why did nobody tell me earlier.

39. Also quit coffee. Quit stimulating foods. Try grounding, nourishing foods. I look around in America and I see people starting their days with massive energy drinks or 32oz of coffee and sugary muffins or whatever and I’m like, this entire country is so jacked up with scary anger in part because we’re under the trance of so many triggering foods that are controlling our blood sugar and throwing us into nervous system fight. I’m not about dieting or restriction, but I am about GROUNDING yourself through food. You can find a lot of peace by changing what you eat.

40. Stopping telling yourself “But it’s not realistic.” WTF IS REALISTIC?!?! WE LIVE ON A SPINNING ROCK IN SPACE. GAWSH. JUST GO DO STUFF!

41. Your shame is your superpower. It turns out: the things we are most ashamed of are actually our superpowers. It’s because this: we’re so ashamed of them BECAUSE they are so vital and important to us, and at some point, we were told they were bad. Well, turns out, now we can flip the script. So think about the aspect of yourself that makes you cringe when you think about admitting it to somebody else. Now understand: that is the story you must, MUST, share with the world.

42. A higher power is real. I don’t care if you call it God, nature, the universe, your higher self, whatever, there is SOMETHING outside of us that connects us all in a web of magic and that wants to support us, if only we open that relationship to it. I don’t even think you need to be religious or spiritual to believe this or understand it, you know? 

43. There’s a consciousness to everything. Animism is real. Trees, animals, rivers, mountains, are alive and conscious, in their own way. And we are not superior to them. In fact, we are some of the youngest beings on this planet. Their knowledge is older, deeper, wiser. Learn and listen and respect.

44. Try to get elders in your life. AKA, people who are 20+ years older than you, or over 50, 60, 70, that can be teachers of wisdom. We don’t have enough cross-generational relationships in our lives and we tend to ignore the wisdom of elders. If you work to intentionally bring this into your life, you’ll gain so much perspective.

And the lesson I’ll share every year of my life as long as I’m blessed with breath and a beating heart:

Realize you are infinitely powerful. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You can do anything — anything — you want to, and it’s time to own up to that, right now. 

I do not say this lightly: one of the biggest truths I know so deep in my heart and gut that sometimes it hurts is that we are capable of having, achieving, being anything that we really want to be. We really are. I am. You are. That doofus filming a tiktok next to you at the coffee shop is. (Is that how tiktoks work)

We are also the people who get the most in our own way. We tell ourselves stories about our limited abilities to protect ourselves, to not have to take responsibility, to not change. We don’t want to have to try. Trying is scary. Realizing that the path of our lives is largely defined by us is frigging terrifying. It’s easier to say that other people are fully responsible for our pain, that reality is limiting, that dreams are silly.

NO. HELL NO. I am SO tired of capitalism, the productivity grind, our childhood traumas and dreary, sensible but well-meaning people preventing us from being lit the hell up every day of our lives.

I am MORE tired of ourselves being the ones who prevent ourselves from achieving our dreams.

My biggest belief is that if everybody on this planet owned up to their own individual power and dreams, did the work to step into them, and were living their purpose, we would be in a better place. Hell, if that really happened for all 8 billion of us… I honestly think we would see paradise here on Earth.

But it’s scary. I get it. You gotta think of money, and laundry, and student loans, and what your parents would think if you did that one thing.

I’m not saying flip off your life, quit your job, renege on your loans (well maybe we all should?) and move to Fiji. (Err, actually that all sounds pretty good.)

But I am asking you to consider anther favorite lesson of mine: 

The universe rewards courageous participation.

And I am asking you to do one thing that you want so bad you can feel it in your belly but you’re terrified of. 

Write a short story. 

Go to a ceramics class. 

Stop texting that one person. 

Say hi to the cute boy on the bus. 

Take that trip. 

Wear that lipstick. 

Say that thing.

From there? From that one small action, that one small promise, that one small moment of believing in yourself?

The rest will unfold. I promise. 

And I can’t wait to see it.

PS: I have a new moon journal circle inside my membership tonight and I can’t think of a better way of celebrating than having you all join so I’m giving everybody a 100% off discount to the new moon journal circle - (thurs 1/11, 8pmET)- if you use the code CATHBIRTHDAY it'll give you a free month of tier 2 of the sunday soother membership, or you can also just use this link: https://catherine-andrews.mykajabi.com/offers/XmMZxHXo?coupon_code=CATHBIRTHDAY

(normally $22)

(now, if and when you sign up, just make sure, if you don't want to continue in the membership, that you go in and cancel within a few days so it doesn't auto-charge you on the next month. and if you can't make it live that code should still give you 30 days access so you can get the replay)

Yay! I’ve got a special ritual planned....We're going to do something fun and extra special for this new moon in Capricorn, so we need a few bonus materials.

As always, have your journal and a pen. But we're going to be cutting up the paper, so make sure it's paper you don't mind ripping out and cutting up. Also bring a jar or a bowl you can use for a couple of weeks, a pair of scissors, and (optional) a new candle and a pen you can use to scratch something into the candle (whether it's on top of the candle, or on the side).

It's gonna be fun, and practical, accessible witchy (my vibes).

Thanks for reading <3