A 3-step plan to move through fear
It's all about the define, prepare, and repair
Welcome! This is the Sunday Soother, a weekly newsletter about compassionate personal growth and authentic living, written by me, Catherine Andrews, a life coach, teacher, and writer. Did somebody forward this to you? You can subscribe to the Sunday Soother here.
Happy Sunday, Soothers! I have a theory.
(It could be bunnies! Anybody... anybody?)
When we talk about being too afraid to do something, we're not actually afraid of the... thing.
What we're really afraid of?
Is feeling lost, frozen, ashamed, in the face of not knowing how to handle something.
THAT. That horrible, shameful, all alone feeling is what we're so often trying to avoid when we say we're too afraid to do "X."
So how do we move through it?
Let me introduce you to a concept I developed in coaching some of my Soothe masterminders that I call Define, Prepare, and Repair.
This month inside the year-long mastermind, we're delving into the topic of Rewiring Codependency, as I'm calling it. Each of us picks an area that we feel dependent on for safety and self-worth (for some of us it's money; some, it's their romantic relationship; for many women inside of Soothe this year, it's their work and getting approval for their work as well as promotions/validation within work). Then, we begin the process, through concepts and tactics that I teach, to "rewire" away from dependency on that thing, and into internal safety.
As I shared with the masterminders, when we're reliant on something outside of us, which we cannot control, it's really all about the promise of false safety. We're "safe" if we have enough money (usually an arbitrary number). We're "safe" if our bodies look a certain way. We're "safe" if our bosses praise us. (And let's not ignore the fact that in many cases, especially if you are a person of color or of a marginalized community, yes, you ARE safer if these things are in place, because there are real ramifications from our white supremacist and capitalist society if we don't or can adhere to some of these things, and it's important to name that.)
But overall, what I hope we can also aim towards and understand is that what we're moving towards is sourcing our own safety and okayness INSIDE of us, no matter what is happening outside of us, and learning to lean away from sourcing our entire sense of safety on something outside of us — which is always changing and changeable and outside of our control.
Part of this work is facing the fear we might experience should this thing outside of us that we are overly dependent on should change in ways negative to us, or disappear. And that's where Define, Prepare, and Repair comes in.
Think of a situation you're facing that you're scared about. For me in the past, it was leaving my 9-5 career to start this here online coaching and teaching biz. Currently, because I still struggle with scarcity mindset and fear, a fear that often arises is "I won't make money ever again... the past 3.5 years have been a fluke."
Take a second to name yours.
(And let me give an aside here to name that if you are a woman, a lot of our big fears go all the way down to this: "I will be broke, homeless and alone." And while we might laugh a little bit embarrassedly at that fear, knowing that rarely for many of us lucky ones would it come to that, I want to give credence and background to this fear, which for many of us may originate in, perhaps surprisingly, the witch hunts of the middle ages in Europe. Silvia Federici, who wrote the groundbreaking book, Caliban and the Witch, which I wish to god had been a textbook when I was in high school, discusses how the witch hunts were actually precursors for land and wealth accumulation and capitalism. Women's bodies had to be controlled and so did the land, which began to be enclosed and owned in a way it hadn't before in much of Europe. And accusations of witchcraft were often made of poor, peasant women, partly in an effort to dispossess them of the land they lived on. So, they were alone, homeless and often worse. If you have European heritage, this fear lives in your DNA, which the field of epigenetics is proving. So please be kind to yourself if it feels like a real fear. It came from a time when it was.)
Anyhoodles! Back from my little history lesson tangent.
Name the thing you want to do or dream of, but that fear is preventing you from taking steps towards.
Now, we enter Define.
Write down every last thing you are afraid might happen if you do do that thing. If I had done this exercise back when I was on the precipice of starting my business, it would have sounded something like this...
I won't make any money and I'll run through my savings
My old coworkers will laugh at me
People are going to talk behind my back
I'll have to sell my condo and move in with my parents
I'll totally and utterly fail and have to go back to a 9-5
I'll be humiliated if it doesn't work out
Yes, it went here: I'll be homeless and without possessions or anybody to help me
Go ahead, do yours. It's great to be as specific as possible. Really go there, to all your worst-case scenarios. We need to define as much as possible to get it out of our heads and on paper.
Then, having our list of worst-case scenarios and fears, we move into Prepare.
Prepare: Ask yourself this and journal on it:
How could I prepare for each of these things possibly happening and possibly prevent or mitigate them, or stand up for myself as they unfolded?
For me, this would have looked like figuring out any possessions I had that I could sell, figuring out how much money I really needed to live on for another 6-12 months, figuring out some cost-cutting strategies, coming up with scripts or things I could say if somebody tried to humiliate or judge me. I could have estimated how much I could have sold my condo for, any profit I would have gotten for that, and talked to my parents and seen if they would have been open to me moving back in, should I have needed to. And overall, just realizing I would be so proud of myself for trying, no matter what, even if it didn't work out.
After Prepare, which hopefully soothes you some, we move to Repair.
Repair: If the worst does happen, how can I soothe myself, or take care of myself, or reach out for help? Who could I reach out to? What could I do? How could I resource myself?
Repair asks you to get creative and imagine, unfortunately, the worst HAS happened. You've gone bankrupt, your friend group or family cuts you off, somebody says something so horribly painful to you. Well, then what? Because even after the absolute worst happens, that's not where the story ends. This might include items like, "I would go to the free mental health counselor on campus" or "I would apply to retail or service jobs at X, Y, Z" or "I would move into a group house in X neighborhood" or "I would BCC email 100 people I know to ask for ways they could help me or resources" or "I would start a gofundme and promote it in X manner" or "I would email my old therapist and see if they could do one free session to help me plan." There might not be GREAT options available to you here, probably not your first-choice options or scenarios, but there are always options, and ways, even tiny, that you could care for yourself.
Once we've moved through Define, Prepare and Repair, what I'm hoping for you is that a fear that had you frozen, preventing you from taking action, seems to have melted just a little bit, maybe even enough for you to take a first, small step.
You start to see what's always been true:
That you're resourceful.
You're capable.
There are ways to plan to protect and care for yourself and the situation at hand.
No, we can't control things outside of us. (Trust me, I spent nearly 40 years trying, I should know.) We may very well fail, or be humiliated or judged, or struggle financially, or lose things or people we care about.
But also: we CAN resource ourselves. We CAN find creativity and ideas inside of us. We CAN plan.
We CAN be powerful, because we are.
And we can do hard things.
So let's get to it, Soothers.
Dismantle that fear, plan for it, and resource yourself.
And let's go.
PS: If you're interested in this kind of coaching and teaching, consider getting on the waitlist for the 2024 Soothe mastermind. Enrollment opens this fall and we begin in January and go for a year together.
226: Are you the rock, or the river?
Hey Soothers! In today's podcast, I explain a metaphor I've been using a lot in my 1:1 coaching lately: That of the rock, and the river. In this metaphor, the rock is the person tossed around by the river, at the mercy of the river, without much agency or control in how it gets swept along. The river, on the other hand, is the life force that moves as it will. When we're in passive mode, not setting boundaries, giving away our power to others, we can think of that like being the rock. But when we're the river, we shift into a force of energy that is powerful. So tune in to hear about how you can become more like the river in your own life.
Listen to all of my Sunday Soother podcast archives wherever you listen to your podcasts. I have over 200 episodes to binge!
Ways to work with me…
Attend my New Year's Eve retreat!: My friend and yoga teacher Kelly Barrett and I are coming together again to host a 3-day new year's eve retreat in Western Maryland! (About an hour outside of DC, close to BWI and/or Dulles airports). If you’re ready to have a soulful New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day experience, nourished by good food, nature, self-discovery and sisterhood, this retreat is for you. Join me and Kelly in the Blue Ridge Mountains of western Maryland for a three-day retreat over New Year’s Eve weekend, December 29 through January 1. All details here! Our retreats have always sold out in the past, so do get in touch at that link if you want to enroll.
Work with me for a year in 2024: My Soothe mastermind waitlist is open, and I'll be doing discovery calls with folks October - November! This year, Soothe gets a bit more magical and we drop deeper into nature and her wisdom. In addition to 12 months of support, small group coaching and connecting, and nearly a dozen powerful modules of work that we do together month by month, I'll also be incorporating herbs, plant medicine, and earth medicine into the Soothe work this year. Read all about Soothe here, and get on that waitlist so you can schedule a discovery call when they open in October. I'll be capping this year at 15 women.
Enroll in the Highly Sensitive Person Leadership Academy: If you identify as introverted, a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, an empath, or heart-centered and caring, the Highly Sensitive Person Leadership Academy is the leadership hub, community and coaching program that will take you from burnt out, struggling, resentful, overwhelmed and unsure to a confident, authentic and powerful leader, in a genuine and gentle way. Curious about HLA but need more information on if it’s right for you? Book a free discovery call with me to talk it through. Enrollment closes Oct 1 and re-opens summer 2024.
Reads & Recs
Where I share articles, books, recipes, podcasts, beauty products and more that I'm enjoying! (A few links may be affiliate links off of which I'll make a small commission; I only endorse stuff I've tried and loved).
🪥 I don't know how anybody does their tooth/oral care without the following two tools, which I've been using for years. 1., this GUM Stimulator Permanent Handle with Rubber Tip ...thingie. And 2., this copper tongue scraper.
💤 These lavender steam eye masks are *chef's kiss* for putting on right as you're falling asleep on a chilly fall night.
🙏 Thanks to my friend Rachel for sharing this incredible, heart-wrenching article about a woman who is an operator and education director for Never Use Alone, a safe-use hotline for drug users— and whose daughter is also addicted to fentanyl. [Slate]
✍️ I love these tips from Sasha Chapin on how to write faster (should that be something you desire - it's not a necessity for everybody, or any writer!). The first part is so true: "If you write quickly, and don’t worry much about writing well, the quality of your writing will improve. That’s probably the best general writing advice I can give you: write as fast as possible. Go for at least 500 words per hour. Just hit the fucking keyboard. About half of my job is giving this advice, over and over again. Often, my clients don’t initially believe me."
😋 This three-ingredient Trader Joe's lentil bruschetta feta salad IS that good! And oh so easy.
‼️ Thanks to Becky for sharing this very good read in the Sunday Soother Slack: A good man is hard to find: "On Ashton Kutcher and patriarchy." [Men Yell at Me]
🌟 And to Jamie for sharing this, by the always-wise Ask Polly: Be Good to Your Spark "When it comes to cultivating passion, only you can choose your best path forward."
🎞️ And Abbie for sharing this genius: "Here's a completely fabulous spreadsheet of movies classified (by someone random saint on the internet) as "Fairy Witch Cottagecore Vibes." Join me in binge-watching them all weekend!"
🧑🏫 My teacher and educator and professor friends, this is for you: Feng shui tips for teachers and classrooms [House Therapy podcast]
⚡ Would you do this naming your wants practice with a group of other women? I think it would be so powerful. [Pulling the Thread]
💗 Asia Suler on parenting as an HSP: The paradox of being a Highly Sensitive Parent "I was made for this & I can’t handle this."
👉 How being on your "best behavior" is making you sick, a great convo on the Cure for Chronic Pain podcast.
🎧 I was on Kelsey Abbott's Human Design and high performance coaching podcast, talking about what it means to be a highly sensitive person! She also gives a peek into my Human Design chart (I'm a 1/3 generator with emotional authority, for anybody who knows what that means!).
👑 Neko Case is a queen. This is 52: Neko Case Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire "I dye half of my hair. I like the silver at the front, but I missed the red so I compromised."
That's it for this week, sending all my love for your week ahead.
Catherine
PS: Don't forget I'm hosting a 3-day New Year's Eve retreat this year, with lots of yoga, goal setting, Tarot, hiking, cozy tea by a fireplace, and more! Oh and that the waitlist for the 2024 Soothe mastermind is open, too.
